Researchers Can Predict Divorce with 94% Accuracy Based on This Communication Error

Is there some secret formula for the success of a marriage? Today, about 40% of all first marriages end in divorce. The numbers are even higher for second and third marriages. To explore the key to a “long-lasting” relationship, John Gottman, Ph.D., a relationship and marriage researcher and therapist, cofounded The Gottman Institute with his wife, psychologist Julie Gottman, Ph.D. The institute provides data on divorce probability and tips for successful marriages.

After decades of research, Gottman believes he has discovered the most common relationship pitfalls leading to divorce. The Gottmans have predicted the odds of divorce with 94% accuracy after researching 40,000 couples over the years. So, what do they say is the secret to success?

Turning toward one another

According to the Gottmans, whether or not a couple “turn toward” one another can make a massive difference in the relationship’s longevity. “When a couple turns toward each other, they make and respond to what we call ‘bids for connection,’” the Gottmans wrote.

While this may seem like a small gesture, it signals to your partner that they are being seen, heard, and appreciated. “Bids for connection” can range from little things, like trying to catch your attention by calling your name, to big things, like asking that deeper needs be met. According to the Gottmans, happy couples turn toward their partner 20 times more frequently than couples in distress.

According to the Gottmans, six years after the wedding, couples who stayed together turned toward one another 86% of the time compared to couples headed for divorce, who only turned toward one another 33% of the time.

The Gottmans found that the response to a bid for connection is a critical part of a healthy marriage no matter how subtle or insignificant it may seem. Bids usually contain a subtext, where something like preparing a meal together means also, “join me on an adventure” or “spend some time with me.” Counterintuitively, the Gottamans found that missing a bid for connection is actually worse than rejecting one. When you reject a bid for connection, at least you are acknowledging it.

The Four Horsemen of a Happy Marriage

 Further research by the Gottmans found that four negative communication styles (they call the Four Horsemen) also heavily predicted divorce. Those were: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Stonewalling is heavily correlated to “turning toward your partner.” It is, basically, the opposite. To counter the Gottman’s predictive outcomes, they recommend practicing articulating your needs, taking responsibility when needed, and remembering your fondness for one another. Stonewalling, or turning away, is one crucial factor in determining the health of a marriage.

Talk to a Rockland County Divorce Lawyer Today 

The Law Office of Robert S. Sunshine represents the interests of divorcing couples in New York. Call our Westchester County family lawyers today to schedule an appointment, and we can begin discussing important issues related to your divorce such as equitable distribution of the marital estate, alimony, child custody, and child support.

Source:

fortune.com/well/article/predict-divorce-communication-style-gottman-institute/